30 Weeks: A Mixed-Bag of Emotions

Well, I am now officially 30 weeks pregnant, which means I am ¾ of the way through the pregnancy. This is a crazy fact for me to accept. That means it’s almost done, and we will have a baby soon (in approximately 10 weeks, to be sort-of-precise). EEP!

I have had about 15 ideas for blog posts (ok, that’s perhaps a little exaggerated…the actually number is more like 5), but I have been hit with a rather inconvenient bout of small-attention-span-itis. Even my small-brained ADD Kitty has a longer attention span than I do lately; she remembers that she still wants to lick the bath salts remaining in the bathtub every time I open the bathroom door. I start one thing and am on to the next within 5 minutes. So bear with me if I jump around a lot. I really am trying to remain focused.

I am reaching the point in pregnancy where Peanut is getting pretty big. The movements we used to try so hard to feel for have now become so completely obvious you can see my belly jump from across the room. Every little thing he does I can pretty much feel and see. It’s pretty strange. A very good reminder that there is actually an independent little human growing in there. Pretty amazing! This also means that I am getting much bigger as well, and the full-on waddle has become rather standard for me, unfortunately. It also means that it’s almost impossible to get comfortable no matter what I am doing, and Hubby is getting rather frustrated with my flip-flopping and wriggling and sighing. It doesn’t make for the most pleasant TV watching or sleeping experience. Sorry Hubby! It also means I have a cute little baby bump that is definitely unmistakable, so there isn’t that awkward confusion about “is she or isn’t she” anymore.

The emotions of this stage of pregnancy are really what I am trying to understand. This seems to be something that not many people talk about, or at least not that I have encountered. For Hubby, he is in the excited and impatient stage. He just can’t wait to meet his new little man, and he is looking forward to the birth and holding his son. And it’s been a long wait! 7 months of anticipation, and he still has 2 and a half to go. He’s reading books about labour and birth (Best. Husband. Ever!), he’s shopping for baby clothes, he’s dreaming up all the cool things he’s going to do with his amazingly awesome son. I, on the other hand, have reached the point where I realize that this ever-growing awesome baby is going to have to come out. And he still has a lot more to grow. And once he actually comes out, then he will be here, and he will be alive and loud and completely dependent on us to survive. And there isn’t an instruction manual that comes out along with him. So I am experiencing a lot of anxiety and apprehension lately.

I feel that I need to defend myself when I say this though, which is where the problem lies.  There are usually 2 schools of thought surrounding this issue. The first is the response I usually receive when I am disclosing that I feel this way, and it’s somewhere along the lines of “Oh, but it’s going to be so awesome, and you will do fine. There’s nothing to worry about.” I feel that this somehow trivializes what I am feeling, and doesn’t actually DO anything to alleviate the anxiety at all. Of course I logically know that chances are things are going to be just fine, and that millions of women give birth to babies, and they all survive, and they all raise healthy, happy children. But it’s not the logical part of my mind that I am dealing with here; it’s the emotional part. So telling me it will be fine is not helpful, because I already KNOW that it will most likely be fine. But it doesn’t help me feel any more secure or confident about the whole thing.

The second is what you find if you Google “Prenatal Anxiety” out of curiosity (I recommend you don’t do this. It will not help, so stop typing it now!!). You find that it’s viewed as pathological, and that it will come with increased risk of harm to your child’s emotional and social well-being, and a whole variety of bad things during pregnancy. Now THIS seems like a good way to allay women’s fears of having a child. Sheesh!

Is there no in between? Can it not be normal for me to feel this anxiety and apprehension? I am sure that I am not the only one out there who feels this same way, so I am not sure why more people don’t talk about it. Of course I am still excited, and I can’t wait to meet my little guy, and it’s a joyful and amazing time, and I am enjoying it immensely. But I am also apprehensive. This is a massive life change. My life will literally never be the same ever again. No matter what. So shouldn’t it be normal for me to feel scared and excited?

I know that things will turn out, and when I look into my little guy’s face all the fear and apprehension will disappear and the sun will shine, and angels will sing, and the world will be perfect (at least in theory). And I truly am excited to meet him, and to hold him in my arms, and to start learning about this new little life. But I am also scared about the whole shebang. And that’s ok too.