On Becoming a Mom

Becoming a mother is a strange thing. I still don't truly feel that I "am" a mother. I feel I am in a constant state of becoming. Every day I learn new things; new ways to love, new ways to grow. My son is now 9 months old, and he has been around in the real world just as long as he has been around in my body. 
Becoming a mother is the most strange and glorious thing that has ever happened to me. 
It is so strange how much love you can feel for someone you have never met. Someone who doesn't even really exist independently of you at first. No idea if they are a boy or a girl, what they will look like, if they will be healthy, what their personality will be like. It is coupled with the anxiety and the fear of the unknown. It is a strange feeling to be so attached to something so tiny and miraculous, and something which is now so out of your control. 
Then the moment comes when your baby actually breathes. When he is there in front of you, and you embark on the next leg of your amazing journey. All of a sudden there is this new life that you are responsible for. He is small and precious and so incredibly breakable. He relies on you to survive, to give him love, to teach him how to live and learn and grow. It is an unbelievably huge amount of responsibility to lay upon someone. And yet, it is so utterly wonderful that there is no way I could trade it for the world. 
It is impossible to remember my world without him. This was something that crept up on me slowly. It was not like there was an instant switch when he was born. While I was pregnant, it was still so abstract to think of this new life that would be with us soon. After he was born it was so overwhelming. Learning all the things you need to learn in order to care for this new being is all-consuming. Or at least it was for me. I loved him like no other, but he was not entrenched within my life. Within my soul? Yes. Within my heart? Yes. But he was just so new, and the memories of my "old" life were so close. I can't say exactly when this changed. A week? A month? 6 months? But one day I just realized that there was no way I could imagine my life without my son. He is a part of me now; a part of my husband. 
Becoming a mother is a constant struggle. It is hard work. I still have those moments every day when I am amazed that I am actually a Mom. There are nights full of tears, moments of self-doubt, frustrations galore. There are days when I feel like it is impossible, and that things shouldn't be this hard. 
But there are also moments where I feel like my heart will burst with love and happiness. Moments where I look at him and think that there could not be a more perfect being in existence. There are times when my husband and I laugh so hard our tummies hurt at the crazy things he does. We have moments where we are practically exploding with pride and love. 
Becoming a mother is bittersweet. Watching him learn and grow and accomplish amazing things. Watching him discover the world around him and discover all the cool things our bodies can do. Cheering for him as he learns how to sit, how to crawl, how to clap, how to wave. And at the same time feeling the regret that he is growing so fast, and that these moments are passing us by and will never be experienced again. Packing away his little sleepers, his bassinet, his tiny shoes; these are moments that bring tears to your eyes. Tears of happiness and pride for the child he is becoming, and also tears of saying goodbye to the child he once was. 
Becoming a mother is my greatest accomplishment. It is something I long to do again sometime. It is something that I could never imagine not having done. Looking into the eyes of my son, I see what pure love looks like, feel what pure devotion feels like, and know the reason for my existence. 
Becoming. Evolving. Emerging. Growing. Transforming. 
As I watch him accomplish these feats, so do I become a mother.